We all fall down

One month rolled into the next once meth and I became friends, buddies, mates. It was with me wherever I went and as my addiction to it grew so to did my addiction to adam an my inability to see him for what he truly was…. A junkie.
I was in denial about just how addicted I had become, I mean junkies don’t run millions of dollars of other peoples money as a banks manager do they? Oh yes they do, but not well. Before I knew it things were slipping at work and I was planning on leaving my job as adam and I had decided t move up to the Gold Coast away from family and friends and prying eyes. Back and forth we went for a few months trying to find an apartment and jobs and when everything was in place besides a job for me we packed the car, put everything else into storage at his dad’s place ,bought a large amount of meth to take with us and headed to sunny Queensland and a fresh start.
10 days later my world fell apart when I caught adam cheating on me with his friend and after packing up my belongings in the car determined to come back to Sydney but only getting 10klm down the road before nodding off at the wheel you would think the wake up call would have been that moment. It wasn’t.
This was the moment I put my tail between my legs , lost my dignity and had my pride wounded when I had to call old friends and family for help.
One of which flew up to Queensland and drove me, my possessions and my drug habit home to mum and dad.
I woke the next morning to find a lump in my right breast the size of a golf ball and that adam had emptied my life savings from my bank account. And so my fall began in earnest….

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Rule #2 Don’t associate with dealers

That first night spent with Adam high and on meth was the start of a vicious cycle I now refer to as the trifecta date as it lasted three days yet I didn’t win a single thing. No cash prize , no jackpot and definately no man of my dreams. No the only thing I ever got from the first of many trifecta dates was a crystal meth or Ice addiction that would stay with me much longer than he ever did.
After leaving the hotel we made our way back to his place about a 40 minute drive from the city which turned into a three to four hour trip as he had a few stops to make along the way .
First stop was a friends cafe to pick up more drugs and I was introduced to Ange. A tiny bubbly Greek girl with dark brown eyes and an infectious smile . She eyed me with what I later questioned Adam was venom.
Maybe an ex ? I thought to myself but Adam insisted when later questioned about it that they had been flat mates once . I would eventually learn different . We grabbed a coffee to go with our meth and headed off again. Next stop Rach’s waterfront property where I would for the first time meet the girl who would become the word of wisdom I should have listened to . She had been a high school friend of Adams and even though she offered me a patch of mattress to sit at the end of her bed whilst we passed the pipe back and forth I also got the ex vibe of rach as well. I was right . These two woman would later become friends, my flat mates and would eventually both be left behind in the ugly world of meth.
We finally headed back to Adams place where he lived in a townhouse in a gated community of sorts with his dad who owned it but was never there i would later discover as he stayed at his girlfriends place 6 out of 7 days a week,
Perfect set of circumstances for the two of us to get high 24/7 and do what ever the hell we wanted really.
And we did . We got high some more and we had sex like I thought I would never have again for the next two days .
On the fourth day together I met his dad as Adam had court.
Ok let’s pause …… Now you would think any right minded adult who was a mother of three and a bank manager would have run for the hills way before ever getting to this point right?
No not methed up me . I donned a suit and shuffled off to court with him and his dad to find out he had driven under the influence of a cocktail of drugs on New Year’s Day in a rented van full of djing and lighting equipment down the wrong side of a busy cafe district near my home along the bay which at that time would have been overflowing with people . He was spotted hanging and draping himself out of the open window by two off duty police officers who followed him until he was in an area safe to be pulled over and arrested. They hadn’t had to wait long as he fell asleep the next time he stopped and they seized the opportunity and pounced, dragging him out the van window.
He was given two suspended jail sentences by the judge that day and two good behaviour bonds as the judge said he could see Adam had the love and support of his family and loving partner. 4 days . 4 fucking days . What the hell was I thinking ? I should have run like Adam the coward wanted to as the judge had made him stand whilst he read out his sentence,
But I didn’t and there is another example of how I stopped myself ever being able to get off the roller coaster that became my daily routine for the next few months and sabotaged my perfect little life .
In a few short days meth had made me lose my inhibitions, my values, my common sense, my judgement of right and wrong and my ability to rationalise my decisions and everyday after that I lost another little piece of who I had been before I met that shiny glass pipe .

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Shrinking under the weight

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I don’t know if it was the fact that i got married young and had three babies by the time I was 23 or that I had felt caged and that I had never got to be truly independent after getting married at 21 but after meeting Adam it was like a switch was flicked and I wanted to party like i was 18 again.

Our first real date consisted of a hotel in the city and a night that would change my life forever.The night I met Crystal Meth.

We booked into the Diamante Boutique hotel in Kings Cross and he immediately pulled a bag of drugs out of his back pack. I noticed the glass pipe immediately and knew what it was as I had worked in a drug related field prior and had always thought how lucky I had been that Meth was not such a prevalent drug when I was a teenager. Speed had been the big thing back when I was 18 and clubbing and I had given it a really good nudge up until I found out I was pregnant at 18 and moved home to have my baby.  I was an upper kind of girl so should have known better, and i did for almost 18 years only ever taking the odd line of coke or a pill on new years or birthdays when I knew I did not have to be responsible for my children for a few days . i was thinking only of myself this night and all that followed  unfortunately, this I will always regret.

Adam offered me the pipe that first night and I had turned my nose up and pushed it away stating ” No thanks ,I don’t touch that shit.” but had taken two ecstasy pills he had offered instead. WHO WAS I KIDDING!!!! of course once the pills kicked in I was reaching for the little glass pipe and so began my love affair with the only thing that would be a constant in my life until I broke up with it too on the 13th February 2014 after the only man who ever truly loved me, my Sir left me to find my own strength to get clean. I will forever be blessed that he was the one I let down my guard for as he saved my life even if he is no longer here with me to see the results of what he did. I will always love him for it. 

I adored the first rush that Meth gave me , but it was just that and afterwards i was forever chasing that same first high. It never comes. you never again get the rush like that first time and that is where you addiction takes hold. Very quickly. Meth makes you lose all inhibitions in regards to your body and sex but it also makes you wired for hours ,sometimes days at a time i would be awake and as far as food is concerned i no longer hungered for anything but the rush and high that it gave me. My addiction started as a friday-sunday high. by the time i moved home and told my family that i was an addict in february this year i was a daily user and had been for over a year. 

The first few months took a toll on my body and skin. I was never a big girl but dropping from 60kg to 49kg in a month is noticed, yet no one said a thing to me. I was still functioning in my job. not at the top of my game but I was still able to get my ass to work daily as the manager of a bank while Adam slept the days away. He was working as a Dj so only really needed to be up and functioning on weekends and we had  meth for that. My habit increased because I needed him to be a functioning member of our relationship and would encourage him earlier and earlier each week to go get meth for us as I wanted him to be awake. soon enough we were using daily and that is the way it stayed. Unfortunately the rest of my world did not stay the same, but then you don’t think about that the first time you roll that little glass pipe between your fingers and this  was the first sign of the self sabbotage which became a habit along with my drugs that saw me hit my rock bottom in life.

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Rule number 1- Don’t associate with drug addicts

When I finally logged out of my laptop and rolled back out of bed, two coffees , a bowl of cereal and 3 hours later and made my way into the bathroom to shower I had made arrangements with Adam to meet at a location central to both of us on the steps of Sutherland entertainment centre in 40mins time so I could listen to a new dance track he was in the process of remixing and wanted my opinion on.
We had instantly hit it off chatting away on the online dating site over our love of house music.
Adam was a DJ and not just your average backyard 18th birthday weekend warrior but one of the big guys in Sydney, playing at some of the hottest clubs and dance parties and that both intrigued and excited me.
It had been so long since I had been clubbing or out shaking my ass on a dance floor and as the soap washed down my body I thought back to the time before I got married and had my babies where I was the good time party girl grooving on a podium every weekend from Thursday through till Monday morning when I would finally drop after a weekend full of alcohol and drugs. I was 18 back then and I was now 36. It definitely had been a long time and three children between drinks so to speak.
I dressed quickly , well as quick
as could be with a slipped disc in my back in my denim skinny jeans, a white singlet and my leather jacket and boots, wrapped a scarf around my neck, placed my long hair up in a loose bun on the top of my head, grabbed my sunglasses and handbag and headed out into the sunny winters day.
It only took me 10 minutes to drive to our agreed meeting point on the steps and I sat and calmed my nerves with a cigarette knowing I was a little early.
He breezed up onto the stairs like a ball of pent up energy and immediately started talking, he talked whilst we decided where to go to grab a beer, he talked as we sat in the beer garden, he talked as I drove him back to his place and as I went to get in my car to leave again he lent over and gave me a peck on the cheek.
All I could think to myself as I reversed out of his driveway and waved goodbye was” keep driving Ange, just drive away and never look back”.
You see I had worked as a customs officer for many years at Sydney airport and also partied with the best of them and was a smart enough woman to know a space cadet druggie when I met one and Adam was as high as they got.
I decided there and then that Adam was not the guy for me and the date I had arranged with another guy Garth for tomorrow night was definitely going to be a far better option in my opinion.
So I headed home , prepared dinner for my kids and ex husband who I currently shared a house with for financial benefit to both of us and stability for our kids and ended my Friday night snuggled up in bed watching a movie, with thoughts of Adam the Dj drug addict the furthest thing from my mind.

The following morning I dressed early and headed up to visit my sister who lived close by Garth to get ready for my afternoon date and spend time with my nephews.
Although moving gingerly I was still able to get about but was seeing a physiotherapist a few times a week and had a morning booking the following morning so had packed to prepare for spending the night with Garth and would head back to Cronulla to see the physiotherapist the next morning .
The day with my sister went quickly and I didn’t bother spilling the details of my disaster meeting with Adam the day before, instead telling her all about Garth who I had also met online.
” Do you think it is safe to meet with guys from online?”, Christie had asked.
” I don’t see how it could be unsafe Chris, as long as we meet somewhere neutral”. I’d replied.
I knew if I felt no connection or unsafe I could always call and my sister or brother in law could drive down the road to get me but as it turned out Garth had been the perfect gentleman on our date. We had a few beers at the pub across from his place and then feeling comfortable in his company we headed back to his place where he cooked me dinner and we sat drinking till early hours of the morning and then retired to bed for the night.
I thanked him for a great night and headed out the door at 7am the following morning for treatment and we arranged to meet two hours later for a late breakfast at Cronulla beach.
A great date I thought as I laid on the physiotherapists table being poked and prodded an hour later, and was looking forward to him meeting me soon for breakfast in the sun overlooking the beach.
When I came out of the physio’s office forty five minutes later it had become grey and drizzling rain and Garth was nowhere to be found.
I had been stood up by Garth and he was not replying to text messages or answering his phone.
It would be six months before I would find a message on my Facebook page explaining why he had not turned up and apologizing to me .
By then I had been dating Adam for six months after he had messaged me 10 mins after I realised Garth had stood me up and asked me to go for coffee, had a raging methamphetamine habit and lost everything I owned and I was left wondering what might have been if Garth had just turned up and saved me from breaking rule number one on Sir’s list.

How my train wreck of a life began

If I look back, I can actually pinpoint the very second my whole existence as I knew it started its downward spiral into a beautifully broken tangle of lies , shame and guilt.
It was June 1st ,2012 an early Friday morning if my memory hasn’t completely been eroded and I’d just waved my kids off to high school and gingerly climbed back into bed with a back injury sustained at my job as a bank manager the week beforehand whilst relieving an absent staff member on the teller counter.
I flicked on the button of my laptop and pulled my long brunette hair up into a ponytail out of my face and set my mug of coffee down on the bedside table while I waited for it to boot up.
I logged into the latest dating site I’d just joined and instantly a message buzzed through .
I scrolled the message which simply read ” smoking hot”.
I typed in ” thanks Adam”. And pressed enter..AND STOP. That’s it right there. The hitting of that enter button was where all my troubles began. It’s the exact second that my roller coaster ride began which would shape my life for the next 21 months and see me lose almost everything I had worked for after my 12 year marriage had broken down 5 years earlier.
That simple compliment and having my ego stroked after it being battered by a husband who cheated was enough to set in motion my complete downfall and change the person I was forever.
I can look back now and see with complete clarity and focus that it was the catalyst of my journey that would see me lie to and lose people I loved, bring shame on myself and my family and become so self absorbed in my own little pity party that I did not see the damage I was doing to my mind, my body, my children or my life until I was fortunate enough to have my saviour and mentor walk into my life and fight so hard to keep me alive and make me see my true self in all it’s horrible form in January the following year.
This is the story of how a princess who had the world at her feet and the love and respect of family, friends and colleagues fell from grace with a mighty thud and landed in the luckiest place on earth …. Sir’s arms, and how the journey of finding my own self worth, determination, love and earning back the respect and trust of the people in my life I’d hurt became the justification for wanting to write my story.
My true story.